Yesterday evening I dropped my daughter at a youth group event, ran some quick errands and then went back to where she was to do some writing while she finished up. When I arrived they were all playing some sort of tag game - I’m not sure what it was (and frankly it doesn’t matter). What does matter is what was going on.
My daughter sometimes can struggle with games. She either 1) get’s so fixated on specific rules in a way that hinders others enjoyment or 2) she figures out loopholes and exploits them to dramatic effect. Yesterday, 2) above was happening. I caught bits and pieces while I worked on my computer. Their were two adults monitoring the game; one was encouraging my daughter in how she was playing (along with a couple of high school students in the game) and the other adult would not listen at all to her. Unfortunately the adult encouraging things was only encouraging my daughter and not the other adult so my daughter got increasingly frustrated until she decided to sit out and not finish the game.
I called her over at this point and had to explain a couple of things:
- She’s almost exactly like me.
- She’s got to learn to recognize when pushing the bounds of the rules goes too far and back off for her own good.
That second one is tough. Lots of time people won’t care and will go along and have fun but if they don’t (like the one adult above), I had to tell her it’s probably better to take a deep breath and let go of the loop hole. It’s hard though because she saw her loophole as legitimate, other players recognized it as legitimate, one of the adults recognized it as legitimate and she’s super competitive. She collected herself, wiped away a few tears and rejoined the group and had a great time for the rest of the event.
The first point above has left me thinking though. I vaguely recall cards (euchre if anyone knows it) and being very competitive. I remember other school games and being competitive too (especially a game my 6th grade class “made up” which I think was rugby with less rules). I also remember seeing and/or understanding rulesets and strategies in ==out-of-the-box== ways (mostly legal ways, probably, with loopholes to exploit and fun to be had).
The world around me doesn’t always get it though. I remember playing hearts with my then girlfriend (now wife) and her best friend and husband maybe 16 years ago and I decided I was going to try and shoot the moon every turn. Never mind that it actually worked though when it frustrated the folks around me to know end. I thought they’d be happy with me though rather than pissed (afterall, shooting the moon a handful of times in a row is pretty awesome).
That reaction didn’t bother me too much because I struggle to understand social interactions at all. Probably better put, it didn’t actually register (until getting a earful later on). What has registered time and again is people (like my wife) not wanting to play competitive games with me for years even though I don’t see myself as competitive.
But that competitive drive - that’s the rub. I think I started out playing to win much like my daughter but along the way I learned to mask. I learned what was needed to fit in. When to lose on purpose. When to let go. Ultimately when to stop caring about winning just try and play. Ultimately, I think at this point, being competitive about rules and loopholes and such gave way to me making up personal challenges (like only shooting the moon or circumnavigating the Catan island in roads or the US in train tracks or on and on). If I won, fine - if I made my challenge - better! At least I got to play (mostly…sometimes). Just more social interactions I struggled to really understand.
Masking is taxing and I’m left wondering if there is a way to foster my daughters love of games without her ==becoming me==? Or maybe masking like that is the only way? Or maybe it won’t actually be an issue because she’s more competitive (I think true) and/or better (hopefully?) than me? I’m not sure. It just has me wondering.
As always, feel free to share any insights you might have!